Understanding the Automatic Patterns That Keep Us Stuck
“I know better.”
I have heard some version of those three words more times than I could possibly count.
I know I shouldn’t worry about this.
I know I need to say no.
I know I don’t need everybody’s approval.
I know this person isn’t the person who hurt me.
I know cigarettes are bad for me.
I know I’m safe.
Usually, the person saying those words isn’t confused about what they should do.
That’s what makes the problem so frustrating.
They already understand it.
They’ve thought about it. They’ve probably talked about it. They may have read books about it, watched videos about it, listened to podcasts about it, prayed about it, journaled about it, promised themselves they were going to change it—and perhaps even given somebody else excellent advice about the exact same problem.
Then the situation happens again.
And they do the same thing.
Eventually, frustration turns inward.
Why do I keep doing this when I know better?
And sometimes that becomes an even harsher question:
What’s wrong with me?
There may be a more useful question to ask.
When did this response make sense?
Because sometimes you don’t have a knowledge problem.
You have a pattern problem.
Knowing Better and Doing Differently Are Not the Same Thing
Consider smoking.
I’ve worked with people who have smoked for decades. I’ve never needed to explain to one of them that cigarettes aren’t particularly good for them.
They know.
The warning is printed on the package. Their physician may have talked with them about it. Their family has probably mentioned it. They’ve likely told themselves hundreds of times that they need to quit.
And yet something stressful happens at work, they step outside, reach for a cigarette and light it.
Sometimes they barely think about what they’re doing until they’re already doing it.
That’s probably not a lack of information.
Or consider something that looks completely different: difficulty saying no.
You decide you’re going to establish better boundaries.
You read about boundaries. You understand intellectually that saying no doesn’t make you selfish. You tell yourself that you’re allowed to decide what you will and won’t do.
Then the phone rings.
Someone asks you for something you really don’t want to do.
You feel that little tightening in your stomach.
And out of your mouth comes:
“Sure.”
You hang up and immediately think:
Why did I just do that?
You knew better.
But something happened between knowing what you wanted to do and doing something different.
That space is worth exploring.
A Simple Way to Understand the Pattern
Human behavior is complicated.
I become suspicious anytime somebody tries to explain everything we think, feel and do with one psychological theory, one brain region, one childhood experience or one fashionable word.
Biology matters.
Physical health matters.
Sleep matters.
Stress matters.
Medication and substances can matter.
Temperament matters.
Relationships matter.
Our environments matter.
Previous experiences matter.
Things we’ve practiced hundreds or thousands of times matter.
And sometimes several of those things are interacting at once.
People aren’t protocols.
Still, a simple model can give us somewhere to begin looking:
Trigger → Story/Interpretation → Automatic Response → Behavior → Reinforcement
Let’s return to the person who has trouble saying no.
Someone asks them to do something.
That’s the trigger.
Then comes an interpretation. It may happen so quickly that the person barely recognizes it as a thought:
If I say no, they’ll be upset.
If they’re upset with me, I’ve done something wrong.
They’ll think I’m selfish.
They won’t like me.
It’s easier if I just do it.
Then comes an automatic response.
Maybe there’s anxiety.
Maybe guilt.
Maybe a tightening in the chest or stomach.
Maybe there’s simply a strong urge to make the uncomfortable situation go away.
So the person says yes.
That’s the behavior.
And then something important happens.
They feel better.
Maybe only temporarily, but the tension drops. The other person is happy. Conflict has been avoided. They don’t have to experience somebody else’s disappointment.
The response worked.
Not necessarily:
“That was healthy.”
Not:
“That was the best decision for me.”
Simply:
“That got me out of discomfort.”
And that short-term relief can help reinforce the pattern.
A Behavior Can Cause Problems and Still Be Doing Something for You
This is one of the distinctions I think matters most when we’re trying to understand behavior.
We often look at an unwanted behavior and focus entirely on its consequences.
Smoking is damaging my health.
Avoidance is making my world smaller.
People-pleasing is exhausting me.
Anger is hurting my relationships.
Procrastination is creating problems at work.
Reassurance-seeking is driving everybody around me crazy.
Those consequences matter.
But there’s another question worth asking:
What is this behavior doing for me right now?
A cigarette may provide a familiar ritual and a temporary change in how someone experiences stress.
Avoiding something frightening may immediately reduce anxiety.
Saying yes may eliminate the discomfort of disappointing somebody.
Getting angry may temporarily create a sense of control.
Scrolling on your phone may relieve boredom.
Procrastinating may postpone the discomfort associated with beginning something difficult.
That doesn’t mean the behavior is healthy.
It doesn’t mean we should keep doing it.
And it certainly doesn’t mean we’re helpless to change it.
It means that if we want to understand why a pattern keeps repeating, we should understand what helps reinforce it.
Understanding a behavior isn’t the same thing as excusing it.
Understanding gives us more information about what we’re actually trying to change.
“When Did This Response Make Sense?”
Sometimes the answer takes us into a person’s history.
Maybe someone learned early in life that keeping everybody happy helped keep the peace.
Maybe expressing disagreement in a previous relationship really did have unpleasant consequences.
Maybe hypervigilance developed during a period when there actually was something to be vigilant about.
Maybe avoiding a particular situation once prevented an extremely uncomfortable experience, so avoidance became increasingly attractive afterward.
But we need some restraint here.
Not every unwanted behavior is trauma.
Not every emotional response is secretly about childhood.
Not every habit requires uncovering some buried event before it can change.
Sometimes a habit is a habit.
Sometimes we’re exhausted.
Sometimes we’re stressed.
Sometimes something gave us pleasure or relief and we repeated it until it became familiar.
Sometimes we simply don’t know exactly where a particular response originated.
That’s okay.
We don’t need to manufacture an explanation.
But there are times when a response that seems irrational in the present becomes considerably more understandable when we ask:
When did this make sense?
The environment may have changed while the learned response remained.
What helped you navigate one season of life may interfere with another.
The strategy may have outlived the situation that created it.
Why “Just Stop” Usually Isn’t Very Helpful
This is why some of our most common advice sounds better than it works.
Just calm down.
Just stop worrying.
Just don’t smoke.
Just say no.
Just don’t think about it.
Just let it go.
The person receiving that advice has probably already considered most of those options.
The more useful question is often not simply:
How do I make myself stop doing this?
It is:
What keeps this pattern going?
Once we understand that, we have more possibilities.
Perhaps an interpretation needs to be challenged.
Perhaps someone needs to practice a different behavioral response.
Maybe they need to discover that they can tolerate another person’s disappointment without immediately trying to fix it.
Maybe an old experience continues to influence present reactions and needs to be processed differently.
Perhaps attention, breathing, mindfulness, journaling or another practical exercise can help interrupt the pattern.
Sometimes hypnosis may be useful.
Sometimes another approach is more appropriate.
And sometimes what a person is experiencing needs evaluation or treatment from a licensed medical or mental-health professional.
The tool should follow the person.
The person shouldn’t be forced to fit the tool.
Where Does Hypnosis Fit Into This?
I’m a hypnotherapist, so people understandably expect me to talk about hypnosis.
I use it.
I think it can be an extremely useful tool.
But hypnosis isn’t the destination.
There isn’t a mysterious little person hiding somewhere inside your “subconscious” pulling levers and secretly controlling your life.
And I don’t believe every person who walks into my office needs to be hypnotized.
Hypnosis can provide one way of working with things such as focused attention, imagery, expectations, learned associations and automatic responses.
Depending on the person and what we’re working on, I may also use conversation, reframing, mindfulness, breathing, behavioral exercises, guided imagery, journaling, emotional processing, tapping, MEMI or other tools appropriate to my scope and training.
That’s why one of the principles behind my practice is:
My job isn’t to hypnotize you. My job is to help you.
If hypnosis is useful, we’ll use hypnosis.
If something else makes more sense, we’ll use something else.
People aren’t protocols.
Try Becoming Curious Before You Try to Change It
If you’re struggling with something you keep doing even though you “know better,” here’s an experiment.
For the next few days, don’t begin by trying to fix yourself.
Become a detective.
When you notice the pattern, write down five things:
1. What happened?
What was going on immediately before the response?
2. What did I make it mean?
What interpretation, assumption or story showed up?
3. What happened automatically?
What thought, emotion, physical sensation or urge appeared?
4. What did I do next?
What was the actual behavior?
5. What did that behavior give me right then?
Did it provide relief? Comfort? Control? Distraction? Avoidance? Connection? Approval? Escape from boredom?
That fifth question can be particularly revealing.
Don’t ask it judgmentally.
You’re gathering information.
You may discover that something you’ve been criticizing yourself for doing has been solving a problem—just not particularly well.
If that’s true, simply removing the behavior may leave the original need untouched.
That gives us a much better question:
How can I respond to this differently without needing the old pattern to do the job for me?
You Probably Already Know Better
If you’ve spent months or years telling yourself:
“I should know better,”
I’d encourage you to stop treating knowledge as the only missing ingredient.
You may already know exactly what you should do.
The interesting part is what happens between knowing better and doing something different.
That’s where we can become curious about triggers.
Interpretations.
Automatic responses.
Behaviors.
Reinforcement.
Old learning.
Current circumstances.
And the tools that might actually help.
You aren’t looking for an excuse.
You’re looking for an explanation useful enough to do something with.
Because once you can see a pattern more clearly, you have something concrete to work with.
Understanding changes everything.
When You’d Like Some Help Understanding the Pattern
You don’t necessarily have to be in crisis before asking for help.
Sometimes you’ve simply reached the point where you’re tired of having the same argument with yourself.
If you’re dealing with a recurring pattern you’ve had difficulty changing and would like to talk with me about what’s happening, I work with people through Northwest Georgia Coaching & Hypnosis in Rome, Georgia, as well as online where appropriate.
An Initial Consultation is a 20–30 minute online conversation where we’ll talk about what’s happening, what you’d like to change, what you’ve already tried, and whether the kind of work I do seems appropriate.
There are no packages, contracts or predetermined number of sessions.
The goal isn’t to make you dependent on another professional.
In fact, I sometimes tell clients:
“My job is to get rid of you as a client.”
I want you to understand yourself, develop useful tools, make meaningful changes and eventually reach the point where you don’t need me.
Dr. Shane Clements, D.Min., C.Ht.
Board Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist
Northwest Georgia Coaching & Hypnosis
Rome, Georgia
This article is educational and informational in nature. Dr. Shane Clements is not a physician, psychologist, licensed professional counselor, or other licensed mental-health provider. This information is not intended to diagnose or treat a medical or mental-health condition or replace appropriate medical or mental-health care.
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